So this week has been hard. And to be honest, hard doesn't describe it. I have learned a lot about myself; my strengths, weaknesses - the whole lot of it. And believe me when I tell you your children can show you in bold print what your weaknesses are.
I was driving to Ethan's school today for his learning experience and I had an epiphany of the Highest power. I bought a new cd when we were in Point Pleasant, the David Crowder Band and I love all of the songs. And this one was playing when I got in the car today.
And it brought me to tears. Chris and I had a fight earlier this week because he chose to go out with his new acquaintances rather than call and talk to me. I felt alone, betrayed, alone, mad, alone, lonely and did I mention alone? You see, he doesn't know this but he is my strength. Whether he is here in person or on the phone he fills me up (what I call my "love tank") when I am completely empty at the end of the day. Just his presence can do this for me. It is like a huge weight lifts from my shoulders the minute he walks in the room. He takes my breath and the butterflies commence. And because he hasn't been coming home to me at night I needed him on the phone to tell me all the wonderful things that I fish from him daily and when he didn't call the other night and I later found out where his evening had led, I was devastated. Hurt. I actually cried myself to sleep for the first time in awhile. A girl at work said it best today when she said "he just comes home." And that echoes so true. He just comes home; that's all it takes.
And then God spoke to me today through this song. As much as I love my husband he should not be the one to fill me up. God should. Chris is human and as much as he thinks he won't hurt me or he doesn't mean to do so, he does, more often than I show. When I have my moments like I have this week, instead of being devastated that my husband isn't there for me, I should drop to my knees thank the One that is there for me. The One that doesn't leave me or forsake me.
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
Truth is, He is crazy about me. Knows me inside and out.
For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.
~ Jeremiah 29:11
So, I am human too, and it is hard to step back and let go of humanly desires and live by faith. But I am going to try, the next time Chris hurts me to stop and think about the One who hasn't, who wouldn't. I know there will be times when I will fail, but I also know He will not give up on me and I will also succeed.
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
~ Ephesians 3:17-19